


Foss in therapy, part 8

by belmanoir



Series: Foss in therapy [8]
Category: Kyle XY
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belmanoir/pseuds/belmanoir





	Foss in therapy, part 8

Nicole climbs into his van for the drive to IKEA. Tom thinks about what would happen if they got in an accident and she died. By now it's more of a compulsion than a real fear. He imagines having to break the news to Kyle and Jessi as he merges onto I-5.

"The mountain is out today," she says with pleasure. "I've always loved it when the mountain's out."

He looks at Rainier and remembers, vividly, being unable to tell her last week that seeing it made him happy. He makes a noncommittal noise.

Being in IKEA is strange. Of course he goes to public places all the time; but he goes alone. Being with Nicole makes him feel abruptly visible, even conspicuous. She's chattering about the kids and Stephen. At first he's just listening enough to give answers when called upon, but soon he's fascinated by this glimpse into Kyle and Jessi's lives from another perspective. There's very little overlap between what Nicole mentions and what they tell him. He feels distracted and vulnerable to attack. As far as he knows, no one's looking for either of them at the moment. But he still doesn't like the feeling.

He wonders how they look to the other shoppers. Do people think they're married? He supposes they could be; they're around the same age, and Stephen doesn't dress much nicer than him. The idea still seems impossible. They don't fit. It must be obvious even to a casual observer.

Nicole deliberates between two bookcases with stupid pseudo-Swedish names. He hates the furniture here; it's all flimsy and lightweight, easy to topple over. He'll have to make sure Kyle hooks it to the wall. A lot of people don't bother, but Seattle has earthquakes and Kyle's been known to cause tremors himself, especially when Jessi's around. 

"That reminds me, do you think we could switch the kids' Saturday training to the morning?" she asks. "There's an art class Jessi wants to take, but it's Saturday afternoons."

He frowns. "She never said anything about it." 

Nicole shrugs. "You know how kids are. She just doesn't want you to think she isn't serious about training."

"I know she's serious." He feels again the crushing weight of failure. Neither of the kids are really comfortable with him, especially Jessi, and he doesn't know how to change it. He doesn't "know how kids are." Not really.

"You should tell her," Nicole says gently. "She wants very much for you to be proud of her."

"I am proud of her!" It comes out louder than he'd meant. He hates not being in control.

Nicole doesn't seem to think much of it. " _I_ know that. But you know how insecure Jessi can be." She makes a note of the aisle number for the bookcase on the left. "Do you mind if we get an easel for Jessi, too? Her birthday's coming up soon."

Jessi's been experimenting with painting. She discovered pointillism at the SAM a few months ago and hasn't talked about much else since. "You don't have to do that," he says.

She gives him a puzzled look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

It's so hard to say. He doesn't understand why. "I--" He clears his throat. "I'm making her one." It'll be a lot nicer than anything here when it's done. He's accenting it with burlwood--tough to work with because of the twisted grain, but beautiful. It seems appropriate for Jessi. There was a big burl on one of the trees at a park in Beachwood, and he put on a jumpsuit and went with a ladder and a chainsaw and an aluminum clipboard and sawed it off and took it home with him. A pointless risk, but he figured it was pretty safe. Most people would be amazed by what you could get away with nothing more than a jumpsuit and an aluminum clipboard. 

Nicole beams at him. "That's so sweet of you! Jessi will be thrilled."

_It's not sweet,_ he thinks. _Is it "sweet" of you to buy Kyle a bookcase? It's her birthday._ He shoves his hands deeper into his pockets and follows her to the part of the store where you pick up the disassembled furniture. She reaches for the bookcase. "I'll get it," he says. She gives him a look, but stands back and lets him put it in the cart. She probably could have picked it up. He doesn't know why he thinks of her as so delicate.

She lets him load the bookcase into the back of the van, too. On the drive home, she's silent. He doesn't register it at first. Quiet is comfortable for driving. He remembers a road trip he took with his family, once. He'd driven them to Disneyland. Disneyland had been too loud, too bright, and much too hot. He and Erica had gotten in a fight on the second day. But in the car on the way home, Sara dozed off in the backseat and everything was quiet, Erica stretched out in the seat next to him, smiling out the window. He'd felt content, in that moment. Hopeful.

"Mr. Foss," Nicole says hesitantly. 

It startles him, but he doesn't show it. "Yes?"

"I--I don't know if I should say this."

He tenses. "What?"

She sighs. "There's a reason boundaries are important for therapy. I don't want us to have a personal relationship. I don't want you to have to think about me that way. Because if you feel an emotional obligation to me, or if you're too aware of my possible reaction to what you're saying, it will be harder for you to be honest in our sessions. I don't want you to have to worry about hurting my feelings."

He's still waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Is this about wanting me to see someone else again?"

"No."

He doesn't like how relieved he feels.

"I just--since we're not in a session right now--I can't stop thinking about when I asked you about being interrogated, and you talked about your experience at MadaCorp."

His hands tighten on the steering wheel. He tries to remember exactly what he told her. Not much, as far as he can recall.

"I just--I want to apologize to you. For not trying to come rescue you. For not talking to you about it afterwards. For forgetting. I'm ashamed--"

He makes a jerky movement. "It's okay."

She laughs shakily. "It's not. I was so focused on Kyle that I didn't care about anything else. And I'm ashamed that Stephen and I let you go through that alone." Her voice hovers on the edge of tears. "I guess it's shaken my own self-image a little. I didn't think I was so selfish."

He can't even begin to think of what to say. He doesn't want to say anything. He wants this conversation to stop. _Everyone's selfish,_ he thinks. He doesn't think that will reassure her. "Kyle was my priority too," he tries. He glances at her out of the corner of his eye. For some reason he doesn't want her to see him looking. 

She's smiling at him. He's startled by how personal a smile it is, the kind of smile that isn't a reaction to someone's words as much as it's a reaction to them. The tears in her eyes are clearly visible in the midday sun. As he fixes his eyes back on the road, she wipes them away unselfconsciously. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

He nods, feeling suddenly antsy, as if his insides are too big for his skin. He doesn't know how he feels about her. He tries to work it out, lists everything he knows. He resents her for making him do these sessions. He admires her strength and goodness. He's jealous of her for pretty much everything she has. He wants her to like him. He's angry. He's so angry that she can just talk about how she feels, so easily. That she can make Kyle and Jessi talk about things easily too. He's angry that he can't, and that she can't make him. Is he the only one immune to her magic?

"Thank you for listening," she says. 

_My other option was crashing the car,_ he thinks. Horror closes his throat. That wasn't what happened, he knows that. He'd just been drunk. He'd run a red light by mistake. But he still feels desperately ashamed, as if he'd done it on purpose to make Erica shut up.


End file.
